


Dear Dave

by Yeoyou



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Epistolary, Grief/Mourning, Long term, M/M, canon compliancy may wobble
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-04
Updated: 2017-01-04
Packaged: 2018-09-07 02:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8780077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Yeoyou/pseuds/Yeoyou
Summary: When Solid Snake dies, maybe the thing Hal misses most – quite apart from kisses and touching and smiles - is having someone to talk to. So he starts writing to him.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kawaiibooker](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kawaiibooker/gifts).



> This work could have content that rips your heart out. If you proceed you have agreed that you are willing to see such content.  
> *Please take some tissues and heart band aids*

_I hold it true, whate'er befall;_

_I feel it, when I sorrow most;_

_'Tis better to have loved and lost_

_Than never to have loved at all._

_(Alfred Lord Tennyson, "In Memoriam A.H.H.")_

 

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 31 July 2016 02:31:18 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I know, I know. You would shake your head and scowl if you could actually read this. I suppose sending emails to you through my own email account is ... not exactly healthy. But the truth is, I miss you. You have no idea how much!

I try to be brave, I try to go on. For you, because I promised you. For Sunny, because I promised myself.

But it's hard. So hard. You were always the strong one.

So what do I care that sending emails to a dead guy is crazy?! There's nobody really around to tell me how stupid it is, is there?!

I dunno ... I should probably delete this.

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 07 August 2016 04:12:03 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I tried. I really did. I tried not to write to you, talk to you, whatever. But you see, if I _write_ to you, at least that means chances are smaller that I actually _talk_ to you. Out loud. I'm afraid Sunny could hear me and I don't want that.

She's brave but she does take it hard. She misses you, Dave. As do I. I know our family has never been very orthodox but ... we were a family, weren't we? A good one.

I just wish we could have had more time together, the three of us. I know, I know. We had more time than we ever dared to hope. But it wasn't enough. It would never have been enough. I guess that sounds terribly selfish and greedy but isn't that what makes us human? Always wanting more? Never being satisfied with what we have? We would never discover or invent or try anything if we were content. I mean, obviously it's part of our make up, the physical body _always_ wants something. It's the means for survival. It's necessary.

But it also means that if we don't get what we want and crave, we ... well, we can't be happy.

I'm rambling again, I'm sorry. Though you never _really_ seemed to mind, did you? I mean, sure, _sometimes_ , maybe, but not in general?

I miss talking to you so much, Dave. Or _at_ you. Or whatever.

I just miss you so much.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject:**

**Date: 13 August 2016 06:02:17 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I think I'm bursting at the seams. It's like there's not enough me for all the pain and I don't know how to contain it all. I'm afraid I'll spill over. I'm afraid that once I'll break apart, there'll not be enough left to stitch me back together.

It feels like drowning.

 

 

* * *

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 20 August 2016 10:07:03 PM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny is asleep. She sleeps a lot these days. I guess that's her way of dealing with everything. I wish I could sleep too. On the other hand, I'm grateful for those moments when I don't have to pretend to be brave and strong and ... _whole_ anymore. Because I'm not. I thought ... I thought that all that time, when you kept your distance because of the ageing thing and I tried to pretend it didn't hurt me, I thought that was hard. But this is worse.

To be honest, I'm not sure if I'm happy or not that Sunny is here. And I hate myself for that. But if she wasn't here ... I could just let go, couldn't I? I wouldn't have to hold myself together. I wouldn't even have to

\--

I'm sorry, I couldn't go on. Hah! That really is the problem, isn't it? Having to go on? But yeah, I know, I promised. And one shouldn't break promises made to a dying man, right?

Fuck!

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 21 August 2016 01:03:24 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I'm sorry about the last email. It's just ... hard. One moment I'm sadder than I've ever been and then I get so mad and bitter and hate everything and everyone and ... it scares me. Because I know that's not me. That's not who I want to be.

So I guess it _is_ good that Sunny's here and keeping me in check. I wouldn't want to hurt her for the world. She must never see that side of me. I should go and delete that last email. I never want her to doubt that I love her or that I want her in my life. Because I do. I DO.

The heart's a funny organ, isn't it? I guess we two know that better than most.

But I'm glad and I'm grateful and for all the pain I feel now ... I am still glad I found you.

Or you found me, rather. After all, if you hadn't, I would have died there in Shadow Moses.

God, that feels like a lifetime ago, doesn't it? I know I didn't age as rapidly as you did (and I still can't imagine what that must've been like) but I do feel older. So much older than back then.

Poor Sunny, stuck with grumpy old men. I should ask her if she wants to spend some time with Raiden and Rose, or with Meryl and Johnny once things have quieted down some, in all our lives.

But I don't know what's more selfish, to keep her here or to send her away? It was easier not to second-guess myself at every corner when you were still around to set my head straight again.

I guess I'll just ask her and hope she'll do what _she_ wants and not what she thinks I want. But then I don't know what I want so we should be save.

I'm a mess, Dave.

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 29 August 2016 04:29:07 PM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I rather unsettled a service girl at a rest stop today because I cried over a plush snake in the aisle! Sunny was waiting in the car outside, thank God!

I was so ashamed I bought the snake and more snacks than either Sunny or I could possible eat on the trip!

The service girl was really nice and kept asking if she could help me somehow but it was just terribly awkward for both of us. I couldn't even explain to her why I was crying!

I'm just glad nobody else was there.

I hid the snake in my coat pocket and now I don't know what to do with it. It doesn't feel right to give it to Sunny and I don't really want to keep it but I also can't just throw it away? I know you'd tell me to get rid off it and would probably laugh about the whole thing but ... it just feels wrong to part with it now.

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: FUCK**

**Date: 02 September 2016 05:23:33 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

It's just not fucking fair!! Nothing is and fuck all the fucking stuff I did in my youtha nd nearly causing nuclear war and ...FUCK! Okay, maby I DO deserve this shit but not you and not Sunny, not ever Sunny and I just wish there was someone I could punch in the face!! Even though I KNOW I'd pribably just break my fucking fingers!!

But this istn't ...ethis shouldnt Why Snake?! No, Why DAVe! FUCK! I'm sorry, I vowed I d never call you Snake again and ehre I go and I can't even remember waht to call you and I'm suc a mess and please, please just come back. Please, Dave

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 02 September 2016 10:14:52 PM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I always understood alcoholism but I never thought myself in danger of falling victim to it. I thought, probably naïvely so, that if I hadn't become an alcoholic after all the shit that's happened to me, after Julie and my father, after feeling lonely for pretty much all my life, that I apparently just wasn't the type. I suppose I know now that I was wrong.

I don't know why I was never tempted before. I guess I still believed I could make amends for my sins. That I could do better. I fled into an imaginary future where everything would be better, where _I_ would be better.

And then I met you and was no longer alone. Why would I need alcohol? And on the few occasions we shared a beer or several, I always embarrassed myself so ... and I guess by the time Emma died and I had a reason to drink myself into a stupor you were there to hold me back. To hold me.

But now you're not here. And I have to face the ugly truth that I _am_ in danger. I guess yesterday's email proves that point quite succinctly. That and the epic headache.

I'm sorry. I'll do better. There's still a future. Maybe not for me, but definitely for Sunny. And I need to be there for her. So no more alcohol.

I promise.

It's kinda funny (though not really). Emotions are weird. Of course I wish you were here with me. That you'd never died, that I wasn't alone. But I also, weirdly, even if it makes no sense at all, wish you were here so you could help me cope with losing you. I can't even wrap my head around that! But it's true, against all logic and reason. I just want you to hold me again, to steady me when everything seems to crumble around me. To be my solid ground (ha ha). I'm still a mess, even if a much more sober one now.

But I'll try. I promise I'll try harder, Dave.

For you and for Sunny.

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 23 December 2016 04:12:57 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

Christmas is the first real celebration we'll have without you. We didn't celebrate my birthday in September because I just couldn't stand it. We just cuddled up on the couch and watched stuff and ate a lot more stuff than was probably good for us. But that was all. But I don't want to rob Sunny of Christmas. She's always loved it so much. Even though I'm Jewish and you were a nonbeliever and we shouldn't have celebrated it in the first place. Anyway, I'm ... I'm afraid of it, Dave.

Celebrating anything seems still so wrong when you're no longer here. And celebrating the maybe birth of maybe God's son, who maybe returned from the Dead? Sure, it was never about that in our little family. Just the good American consumerist spirit of buying gifts and eating special stuff. And being with your family. But our family is broken now and sometimes I don't know how to hold it together anymore.

I should probably not just start saving money for Sunny's college fund but also for a shrink!

But I do my best. I promise you that. Because Sunny deserves the best. Much better than I could ever give her, but I try. Or rather, I do, I do give her the best I am capable of. (Do or do not, there is no try, right?).

I asked her if she wanted to celebrate with anyone else, invite anyone but she just wants to celebrate with me and I don't know if I should find that comforting or worrying. How can I ever be enough for this bright, intelligent, curious, wonderful child?

But then I never knew how I could be enough for you and yet you always assured me that I was. So maybe I _can_ be enough.

I've decided that, if she wants it, I will try and adopt her legally. I'm sure I can get the paperwork approved somehow. And if I have to hack the Government. Again.

I wonder if she'll really want that? I think so. But I'm not sure.

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 06 February 2017 02:27:16 PM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny is now officially Sunny Emmerich!

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 29 April 2017 06:22:47 PM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

there are days when it's almost okay. Where I'm almost okay. Today is not such a day. And I just wish you were here, as you have been there for me these past eight years on every April 29th.

Sometimes, when I look at Sunny, I think she's my second chance. To do everything right that I did wrong with Emma. And I'm fucking frightened that I will mess up again. With you gone, she's the most important person in my life and I ... I _can't_ mess this up, Dave! I just can't!

I think she and Emma would have liked each other. I wonder, is Emma up there with you now? Have you met? Are you both watching out for us down here? I hope so. I really, really hope so because I need all the help I can get.

I miss you. I miss you both so much!

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 17 May 2017 11:23:06 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

they're going to make a movie! I just saw the announcement online. It's nothing definite yet but the rumours are flying wild. Director and script are still open but of course everybody is only interested in who gets to play you. Every man, woman and child seems to have an opinion although a lot seem to be rooting for Hugh Jackman. No surprise there I guess. Honestly, I wouldn't complain, they could do a lot worse. But I just know the film will be awful because they'll get everything wrong and I hate the thought of what it'll do to Sunny. I won't let her watch it, of course. Not for years! But seeing the posters and trailers and oh god, merchandise!! I BET they'll make action figures!!

I...okay, I got excited for a moment there, I admit it but still...I wish they would wait a bit, until the wounds aren't quite so raw anymore, until the mention of your code name doesn't hurt so much anymore. But I guess that wouldn't be good for business...

Fuck. This is going to be a disaster! Maybe I should just crawl into hiding with Sunny until it all blows over and everyone agrees it's a terrible movie that nobody will ever want to watch again...and then I'll just have to avoid the DVDs on sale for a dumping price in the supermarket aisle.

You would hate this so much. I suppose a tiny part of me is glad you don't have to see this. Although, together we could maybe laugh about this...

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 30 May 2017 08:12:09 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I ... I don't even know how to tell you this. The movie announcement was bad enough but ... ugh ... there's fanfiction! ... and fanart! ... and some is terrible and some is hilariously off and some show ... uh ... a remarkable creativity in certain areas but some ... is actually pretty good? Like, I think some of them may get it?

This is SO WEIRD!!

I kinda fell into a hole for a few days, working my way through all that stuff and you should _see_ some of the amazing artworks that people have put out there! It really blows my mind! There's a lot of heroic pictures copied from that Cipher shot on board the _Discovery_ and ... I couldn't stop crying! They're so beautiful! And the thought that you inspire so many people ... it makes me so proud!!

Even though I totally know how much you would hate all this of course. But still ... it's a good thing, isn't it? Maybe? In a way ...

 

 

* * *

 

**From: nomadman@ota.com**

**Subject: Dear Dave**

**Date: 31 May 2017 11:15:58 AM**

**To: nomadman@ota.com**

 

Dear Dave,

 

I printed out some of those artworks. Is that bad? Or morbid?

I don't know ...

I don't even know whether they console me or if they just make me miss you more ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hal's brilliant email address was provided by the even more brilliant thelonebamf ;D


	2. Chapter 2

June 01, 2017

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny gave me this little journal so I could write to you and would lose no more letters. I guess I was never very good at keeping secrets. Sunny shows some talent in that department though. I was going to write that she must get that from you! Sometimes I forget she's not "really" our daughter. Whatever that means. But the truth is, I could not be prouder of her or love her more if she were my flesh and blood! And surely, during our time together, she was bound to "inherit" some of our characteristics? I suppose she always resembled me more than you and that might only get stronger the older she gets but I do hope she keeps something from you inside her. Even if it's a worrying talent for stealth!

I think I like the journal. It has something tactile to it. (uh, duh! Of course it has!) True, I'm better at typing than actual handwriting (sorry for upcoming illegibility) but ... I can actually hold the result. It's like a treasure chest or something. I'm probably a romantic fool. Hm ... not probably, I am! And somehow I still managed to find two people who love me! If that isn't a wonder right there ...

Should it worry me that I am still writing to you? Almost a year ~~after you~~ later?

 

 

* * *

 

June 3, 2017

 

Dear Dave,

 

I've printed out all my emails to you that I could still find and I'm not really sure whether I did the right thing. Maybe I should have deleted them all, maybe I should throw the prints away. But it does kinda feel right. To keep them. To remind myself that things get better. Because they do, on the whole, statistically speaking. As with every statistic, there are deviations, sometimes drastic, from the result. There are still bad days and there are terrible days but there are also good days. Days on which Sunny and I laugh about stupid things, where the food is just right and the couch comfortable and we're ... something like happy.

Happy. It's a strange word. I didn't think I could be happy again. When we say we want to be happy, we always think of it as ... sort of always happy. But is anybody? Maybe that's just a deviation too. Maybe I can be happy if there are at least some happy moments in my life, even though you are no longer here, even though I'm not really happy the rest of the time.

I don't know. I just think that keeping those first emails can remind me that it used to be worse, on the whole, than it is now. Think broader, widen the horizon, blabla...

I guess I don't make much sense, do I?

 

 

* * *

 

June 28, 2017

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny has seen this video online on how to fold butterflies from paper and she keeps practising. There's basically a butterfly army camped in our apartment right now. This one is the first she made and when she finished it, and showed me, she pressed it into my hand and said "for Uncle Dave". You'll probably not be surprised to hear that I cried at that. She was worried because it came out a little crooked (she's better at folding them now) but I reassured her that you would love it nevertheless.

We are all a little crooked, too, after all, a little dented, aren't we? And we can still be loved.

 

P.S.: Don't ask me, I don't know if she used pink paper on purpose!

P.P.S.: In case you're wondering, we've kept things quiet for Sunny's birthday yesterday. But there was cake and a trip to the zoo and an anime marathon and she seemed happy enough with that.

 

 

* * *

 

_**I‘ll Keep You Safe - Sleeping at Last** _

_I’ll keep you safe_

_Try hard to concentrate_

_Hold out your hand_

_Can you feel the weight of it_

_The whole world at your fingertips_

_Don’t be, don’t be afraid_

_Our mistakes they were bound to be made_

_But I promise you I’ll keep you safe_

_You’ll be an architect so pull up your sleeves_

_And build a new silhouette_

_In the skylines up ahead_

_Don’t be, don’t be afraid_

_Our mistakes they were bound to be made_

_But I promise you I’ll keep you safe_

_I’ll keep you safe_

_Darkness will be rewritten_

_Into a work of fiction, you’ll see_

_As you pull on every ribbon_

_You’ll find every secret it keeps_

_The sound of the branches breaking under your feet_

_The smell of the falling and burning leaves_

_The bitterness of winter_

_Or the sweetness of spring_

_You are an artist_

_And your heart is your masterpiece_

_And I’ll keep it safe_

_Dismiss the invisible_

_By giving it shape_

_Like a clockmaker fixes time_

_By keeping the gears in line_

_Don’t be, don’t be afraid_

_God knows that mistakes will be made_

_But I promise you I’ll keep you safe_

_As you build up your collection_

_Of pearls that you pulled from the deep_

_A landscape more beautiful than anything that I’ve ever seen_

_The sound of the branches breaking under your feet_

_The smell of the falling and burning leaves_

_The bitterness of winter_

_Or the sweetness of spring_

_You are an artist_

_And your heart is your masterpiece_

_And I’ll keep it safe_

 

August 31, 2017

 

Dear Dave,

 

I heard this song on the radio today and it made me think of Sunny. I cried while listening to it and ached to wrap my arms around her. But I was afraid I'd only spook her with that sudden rush of affection.

The urge to hold her close and keep her by my side has grown frighteningly strong since you died. The idea to lose her too ... it scares me more than anything in the world!!

I wish I could make a promise like that in the song, that I will keep her safe, always. I wish I could make such a promise knowing I can keep it. But I don't know if I can. All I can do is try to keep her safe.

I hope that's enough!

 

 

* * *

 

November 03, 2017

 

Dear Dave,

 

I forgot today! I actually forgot that you're dead! And when I remembered it all came rushing back at once until I could hardly breathe. I felt so bad! How could I forget? How?!

And then I realized: I've stopped grieving! I think I've stopped and I feel terrible about it even though I know you'd want me to and although I know it's only natural. I mean, I still wish you were here, of course I do! And of course I still miss you! But that's different from actually grieving, isn't it?

I wish you could tell me I'm not a horrible person. I know you would say it and I know you actually believed it but it's not the same. Why is it never the same when it's your own feelings you can't get in line what you know to be true?

 

 

* * *

 

February 16, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

I came across this postcard today and it reminded me of our little cabin in Canada, of the lake nearby where we would go swimming on hot days. Or you would, in any case. I can't deny I always enjoyed those days even though I'm not too fond of large bodies of water. Well, there was another body there that I was pretty fond of so ... ;)

But really, I think that time in the cabin was the happiest time of my life. Of course we got off to a bit of a rocky start, what with all my secrets and shitty past and insecurities and your nightmares and relationship incompetence but ... it was a start! And once we managed to get mostly past all of that ... every day seemed like a miracle. And a little bit like paradise.

I wish it had lasted longer but I guess that's how you can sum up our whole relationship. I'll just always be grateful we had it at all!

 

 

* * *

 

March 05, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

I did something rather impulsive today but I cannot say I regret it or think that I will in the future. I got tattooed, Dave, can you believe it?! Me neither, really, but it happened.

I actually got two! They're pretty small and simple ones and I don't think I will ever get another one but I do like these a lot! I've now got a little sun on the inside of my right wrist and a little snake on the inside of my left wrist.

I should probably feel bad because it's a bit of a pun, I guess. The snake's left because you have left but will always stay with me and Sunny's sun is right because she is what's making my life all right again. Gradually, but she is. And I don't want to forget either of that ever! Not that I would without the tattoos! I don't think I could short of Alzheimer but ... I don't know. It just felt like the right thing to do.

Maybe I shouldn't have gotten a snake. I mean I am the one person that should remember you as David and not just as Solid Snake but of course I do that anyway and ... getting your name tattooed across my wrist would have felt a lot stranger. This way I can remember the hero and "my" Snake. My partner in all those years fighting Metal Gears and the Patriots, in saving the world, but my partner in so many other ways too!

I didn't look while I got them. I may not be as averse to needles as you've always been but still ... I've also never enjoyed the sight of blood even though God knows I've seen plenty of it!! All in all, I preferred not to watch. But now I can't stop looking at them! It feels strange and good and somehow exhilarating? Like I've done something really daring. I mean, I know it doesn't compare to what we've been through but still, it's ... I don't know, cool? Am I cool now or am I just pathetic for thinking something like that? Maybe it's a sort of midlife crisis? They were cheaper than a Ferrari at least. I guess it's just because I never thought I was the kind of person to ever get tattoos!

Anyway, Sunny said she likes them and since I usually wear long-sleeved stuff, it's not like I'll be flaunting them or something. No, that came across wrong, like I want to hide them or something. But that's not true either!

I like them and I will wear them with pride! Because I am proud of both of you and I love you both so much!

 

 

* * *

 

April 06, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

I just returned from an interview at MIT and it seems like I'll be getting a job there! Actually, quite a few schools and universities have offered me jobs and a few even honorary degrees, would you believe it?! But MIT has agreed to my terms and seems enthusiastic about my ideas so I hope things will work out. I'm a little nervous. Okay, a lot. It's been a while since my last regular job and now I'll be teaching! Facing whole class rooms full of impressionable young people (or maybe not so, we'll see) and speak to them! I thought all my greatest challenges were behind me but I must admit this is daunting! I just hope I'll be up for it! Sunny has encouraged me every step of the way and assures me that I'll be brilliant and will dazzle the students, but I think she just wants to be nice. So yeah, I'm nervous but I'm also determined. Because I do believe that I have enough unique experiences and insights to pass on to be valuable. And MIT has agreed to make my course mandatory for all their students. The logistics are probably giving them a headache but still, they've given me exactly the job I want: teaching young scientists about ethics, about the risks and responsibilities that come with research, about never leaving humans out of sight when they dream up the new future.

Wish me luck, David!

 

 

* * *

 

June 05, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

I had my first class today and ... I think it went well? I was pretty scared but I hope I didn't show it too much. The students were attentive enough (and some even a little star-struck because I worked with you!!) and ... I think they liked me?

I guess only time will tell but I'm more optimistic than ever that this will work out!!

Sunny actually packed me a bento box for lunch, something seems a little wrong there...

 

 

* * *

 

July 09, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny is turning into quite the little gardener! It makes me feel even more sorry that we had to coop her up aboard the Nomad for so long. Even though I'm still sure it was for her best. I guess it was the least bad option out of a bunch of really bad options. Still, I wish we could have given her more time outside or made more of an effort to bring the outside world into hers ...

Anyway, she loves taking care of the plants in our apartment and often comes home from school with a bunch of flowers she picked up on the way. To be honest, I'm not sure all of them are wildflowers but so far there doesn't seem to have been any trouble with enraged garden owners ...

She dries and presses them when they start to wilt and this one she gave to me. Or rather ... I'd said how much it looks like a sun and so she wanted to give it to _us_ so we could keep it safe ...

I'm really sorry for the smears ... I got all teary eyed again just thinking of that ...

You'd think I'd run out of tears one of these days ...

 

 

* * *

 

July 27, 2018

 

Dear Dave,

 

it's been two years now. Two long, short years. Sometimes it feels like an eternity since you died and sometimes it seems like only yesterday. Sometimes it feels like it will be over at some point, that you will come back and I just have to hold out till then and then I realise all over again that I will never hear your voice again, that you will never smile at me again, that you will never touch me or kiss me or hold me. That you will never see Sunny grow up into a no doubt remarkable woman.

It still hurts. And last year I couldn't pick up the journal and write about it but ... the pain is getting ... duller, I think. It's still there and I assume it always will be, but maybe I am learning to live with it. I've learned to live with a lot of stuff over the years. And weirdly enough, this, losing you, seems both worse and better than all the other things. Maybe because there is so much good, so many wonderful memories tied with the pain. And because I wouldn't do anything differently if I had the chance.

I would always choose you.

 

 

* * *

 

June 12, 2019

 

Dear Dave,

 

I am determined not to be sad today. Not to miss you but to be grateful that you were in my life. To be grateful that you were born.

We never celebrated your birthday, I know, but Sunny and I will celebrate it today. Because, while I know it has mostly been a hard life, it's a life worth celebrating. So that's what we'll do.

Happy Birthday, Dave. I hope you'll celebrate it with us, wherever you are.

 

 

* * *

 

November 11, 2019

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny has this sudden urge to become a really good athlete. She says it's because people like athletic kids better than brainy, nerdy ones, but I think she also wants to be good at sports to sort of honour you. So she'll truly be a daughter of both of us.

She can be stubborn as hell so that's already one thing she has in common with you! But she is also turning out to be actually good at sports!! Of course I'm as proud as can be and accompany her to all her games and competitions and buy her all the new sports equipment she wants. The soccer moms are already tired of me and my enthusiasm, I'm afraid ...

Did you know, Sunny actually asked me to teach her CQC!!! Of course you could do that so much better but I think I'm actually doing okay. Well, I've been sore to my bones after every lesson but still. Without you here, I've grown as out of shape as I was before I met you but Sunny is steadily beating me back into it and has got it into her head that she needs to take care of me. It's a bit embarrassing but on the other hand she was so happy when I didn't wheeze the other day after climbing the stairs to our apartment! So I guess it's a good thing. And as for CQC ... she understands she's only to use it if she's in real danger and not to immediately beat up every idiot at school who bothers her. Here's hoping she'll remember that particular aspect of her lessons! But I must admit, I do feel a sense of relief, knowing she can take care of herself. And I'll happily pay in bruises for that!

Although now I've got to worry about sport injuries and all that!

 

 

* * *

 

January 25, 2020

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny and I are in London! I'd always meant to bring her here, you know that, and I am glad I finally have. But I wish it were for a different reason. We're here because of Julie's funeral.

I don't even really know what I'm feeling, Dave, it's this weird mixture of so many things! It dredges up so many memories I've kept buried for a long time.

You'd probably yell at me for going to the funeral ... or maybe not. You hated her, with all the righteous fury I could never manage. But maybe you would have understood that I had to go. That I had to close that chapter of my life once and for all.

I think I've forgiven her for what she's done. Somewhere around the time I learned to let you love me.

Or maybe "forgiven" isn't the right word. But I did let it go. It just got too heavy to carry around with me and there've been so many other things I've had to worry about and ... I don't know. I guess I just got tired of it. Does that make sense?

I didn't tell Sunny why we're here, or rather I told her that I had to go to a funeral of a person that I had once known but nothing more. Maybe I will tell her one day or maybe not, I don't know.

But right now I just want to enjoy London with my daughter, maybe walk by my old apartment... Remember? Where we watched our first Star Wars marathon, still mostly strangers, on my old, worn-out couch ... you fell asleep in my presence for the first time ... and maybe we started to become friends right in that moment. But I was still so intimidated by you! A little afraid, a lot in awe. Young and hopeful and optimistic that we could save the world together.

And look at it, Dave, we did it!


	3. Chapter 3

February 2, 2023

 

Dear Dave,

 

it has been a while since I wrote to you, hasn't it? I guess with Sunny growing up and having someone who shares my crazy passion for anime and manga, there was less need. But Sunny has moved out now and the apartment feels so terribly empty. I missed her the moment she'd closed the door behind her – she wouldn't let me come to the bus stop with her, apparently she's "grown up" now ... is it bad that I kind of wish she wasn't yet? That she was still my little girl, making wonderfully burnt eggs for me and being this ray of sunshine in my life? I guess it is selfish. I know she'll never cease to be all of that, she'll just not be that ... as often.

Of course Yale is a great opportunity. And I wouldn't deprive her of that chance for the world! But naturally I also worry a lot. She's had such an unusual childhood and never really had friends her own age that were even close as smart as she is. She's mainly hung around ... well, me. And while I cherished every moment, I'm not convinced it did her as much good as I wished.

But she will be all right, won't she? At least she knows basic CQC! And you'll keep looking out for her, won't you?

 

 

* * *

 

 

March 14, 2023

 

Dear Dave,

 

I just saw this postcard in a shop and I don't know, it reminded me of Sunny? I can't even explain it. Maybe because the duckling is so fluffy or seems so curious or because it's small and I want to protect it. Probably all of that. It's pretty silly, isn't it? But I do miss her a lot. Only I have nobody I can complain to except for you. Because she does call often and then we sometimes talk for hours and she sends me e-mails and memes and funny pictures and videos and anime recommendations and I know she's settled in well and happy and so I have no right to complain. But I miss having her here so much!

 

 

* * *

 

August 3, 2023

 

Dear Dave,

 

Sunny came home over the weekend and we talked about the good old days on the Nomad, when we were all going on each other's nerves, thought the world would end and we'd all die. It somehow seems impossible now that that was our life once.

We also talked a bit about you and you know ... for the first time I told her that awkward story about the plush snake at the rest stop, where I frightened the poor girl at the cashier because I was crying so hard over a stuffed animal. Sunny asked if I still had the snake so I showed it to her. She liked it and will take it to Yale with her. Now I'm glad I didn't throw it away back then.

We even watched that awful movie about you and managed to laugh about it and to poke fun at the horrible guy who played me. It was good, Dave, even though we both wished you could have been there to roll your eyes alongside us.

 

 

* * *

 

November 17, 2023

 

Dear Dave,

 

I knew and I also kinda hoped this day would come but now it's here – later than I thought but still too early for me! – I don't really know what to do. Sunny is officially dating now! Or at least, she's told me now. God knows if she's been dating for longer and just never wanted to tell me? I wonder if she would have told a mother sooner? We've never really had "The Talk" and the only time I attempted to have one, she hurried to explain she already knew how babies were made and all that. So I just mumbled some lines about the importance of consent and protection and that she could always talk with me if she wanted to or had questions or, you know. We were both blushing furiously when she finally pushed me out of her room.

I mean, we've talked about the consent stuff before, of course. You know that. As soon as Sunny entered the "real world", that's always been very important to me! That she knows she can say "no," that she should tell us if anybody made her uncomfortable and all that stuff. Of course these days I can't reassure her that we'll send "Uncle Dave" after anyone who bothers her. ~~but~~

Anyway, I just have to trust her that she'll stay safe, that she's better at judging who she can trust than I've been for a long time, and that she can take care of herself. She has reminded me of the time she punched that Jimmy boy in school when he tried to grope her so … but she's still my little girl and so far away and … God, I've become quite the mother hen, haven't I?

I wish you were here to tell me again the importance of letting go, of letting her find her own way. She's a remarkably capable girl, I know, and not just intelligent but also smart so, she'll be all right, right?

Maybe I should "de-rust" my weapon "skills?" Why can't you be here to intimidate the hell out of any boyfriend with the wrong intentions?! It'd be so much easier!

 

 

* * *

 

September 21, 2024

 

Dear Dave,

 

I turned 44 today. That's as old as you were when you died. It feels weird. Being in my forties feels weird. For you, your physical forties probably lasted only a month or so. The unfairness of it all was always plain as daylight but it hits home so much more today, when I look in the mirror and know that, if all goes well, I've got another couple of decades where you already reached the end of your life.

Sunny will come by later to celebrate with me and I can't help thinking how you've never got to meet the amazing person she's become or the woman she'll grow into.

It's just so unfair!

We should have shared the midlife-crisis!

 

 

* * *

 

November 08, 2025

 

Dear Dave,

 

I'm feeling pretty emotional right now. I just received such a nice email form a former student of mine! Jane is one of those who've stayed in contact even after leaving MIT and she's written to thank me for all the guidance I've given her and for always believing in her and … there was so much genuine love and gratitude! And I … well, I don't even know how it makes me feel. Grateful, proud …

I know we saved the world and I helped and all that but this work I do now? It really makes a difference! Its impact may be much smaller but also more direct and …

I'm just so happy and grateful that I can change anyone's life for the better with what I know and that maybe, because of me, there's a few less awkward, shy nerds suffering as I suffered.

I think I'll go reread the email and cry some more. I know you never liked to see me cry but they're happy tears this time so that's all right, isn't it?

 

 

* * *

 

April 29, 2025

 

Dear Dave,

 

It's strange, Sunny is now the same age as Emma was when she died. Or rather, it's not so much strange as that it feels strange. Emma has stayed the same age for me ever since she died. It was easier to accept when I didn't have the direct comparison. But now, with every year that Sunny gets older, I'll be confronted with the truth: that Emma never got to get to that age. That she never got to do all those things that are hopefully waiting in Sunny's future.

At least, the older Sunny gets, the less I'm worried that I will still fuck her up somehow. She has grown into a remarkable young woman, Dave! You would be so proud of her, just as I am! I still don't quite know how she managed that with her messed up childhood but she's ... perfect, I think. Do all parents think so? I don't know. But I am amazed by her every day.

Is it all right if I'm a little bit proud of myself? I know I can't have had too much to do with her wonderfulness – hey, it's me after all! – but I hope I was able to help her grow into herself at least a little bit. Plus, she has to get her Otaku tendencies from somewhere, right?!

P.S.: I almost didn't realise … she's at a point now where she's lived almost half her life with you and half of it without you. From now on, the percentage of her life that she's spent with you will only grow smaller.* Of course I wish her the longest, happiest life possible but it still makes me sad somehow. I wish you could be here for her. For us.

 * Well, it did that before, too, of course, but you know what I mean!

 

 

* * *

 

March 26, 2026

 

Dear Dave,

 

I've just returned from an actual date! Can you believe it? And it didn't even go horribly! Even more astounding!! But no, it was nice and we had a good time. I took Meghan to this little Japanese restaurant I've discovered and she really liked it. I think. At least there weren't too many awkward pauses and she did kiss me good night at the end of the evening!

I like her, Dave, I really do. And yet the first thing I do when I come home is looking through this journal and writing to you as if you could somehow answer me and give me permission. I know you would. I haven't forgotten your words or my promise. This is what you wanted. That I would find someone new. That I would be happy.

I didn't think I could. But maybe, just maybe, I can?

I don't know what scares me more. I guess feeling lonely can feel reassuring and comfortable enough after a while. Less scary than change anyway.

Sunny was thrilled when I told her I had a date. She's been pushing me to date for years now. She wants me to be happy just as you did.

Can Meghan make me happy? I don't know. Can I make Meghan happy? I know that even less.

But it's worth a try, don't you think?

 

 

* * *

 

June 7, 2026

 

Dear Dave,

 

things are going well with Meghan, I think. I haven't told her everything about us but she knows enough and doesn't hurry me. We take things slowly, which suits me fine. She's divorced actually and apparently it was a pretty bad break up. So we're both scarred and a little frightened of this thing that's happening with us.

But I'm starting to see it, Dave. What it could become. And ... I want it, Dave. It's weird how much that surprises me but it do, I really do want it!

She makes me feel younger and like there might be more to my life in future than just being Sunny's Dad and my student's teacher. Although I do love being both of that!

You have always told me I deserved more. That I deserved a life.

Maybe it's not too late for that.

 

 

* * *

 

July 27, 2026

 

Dear Dave,

 

it's been ten years now. Ten long years. There was so much sadness and loneliness but it would be wrong to say there wasn't happiness, too. I lost one of the two most important people in my life. But being Sunny's Dad brings me so much joy. I wish I could have shared that with you these past ten years. To be honest, I don't know what I would have done if it hadn't been for her. You were everything to me! But you also taught me that my own life has value, too.

I have tried, to the best of my abilities, to keep my promise to you and I have lived my life. And I intend to keep on living it. Now more than ever.

 

 

* * *

 

November 15, 2026

 

Dear Dave,

 

maybe this is the last “letter” I will ever write to you. It seems unbelievable but … Meghan and I are talking about moving in together, about "our" future and … I want all that! But I don't think I can have it if I continue to write to you. It wouldn't be fair to Meghan.

I love her, Dave. It feels strange to write it, even more to say it, but it's true.

I love her. Not the same way I loved you (and will always continue to love you, that will never change!) but … it is love, I think.

And if I want it to work, which I do, then I can't hold on to both of you at the same time.

Thank you, Dave. Thank you for teaching me that I can love and that I can be loved.


	4. Chapter 4

January 15, 2037

 

Meghan's dying, Dave. And I don't know what to do. I can't help her.

It's lung cancer.

The irony is, she hasn't smoked a single cigarette in her life! I'd laugh but I'd only sound crazy. Which isn't far from the truth, I'm afraid.

I'm in the hospital right now, waiting for her to die. Waiting for her to let go. Because it will be a blessing. Because the only thing I can wish for now is that she dies quickly so she won't be in any more pain.

I don't even know why I brought the journal. I just needed someone to talk to, I guess.

Sunny's on her way over from London and will be here tomorrow morning.

Meghan and I had a good life. I was happy, Dave.

When she dies, will you look after her? Will you be kind to her? Please

 

 

* * *

 

January 27, 2037

 

Dear Dave,

 

the house feels so empty. Again. Meghan's sister has been here and taken a lot of her stuff away.

Sunny couldn't stay as long as she wanted. But she'll be back soon and stay longer. I don't know what I would do without her.

I've lost too many people, Dave. Why do I lose everyone I love?!

I'm so afraid Sunny will be next.

What if I really am cursed?

What if I doomed all of you to die just because I loved you?

 

 

* * *

 

February 05, 2037

 

Dear Dave,

 

I wonder if you would have liked her? I'd like to think so but you two couldn't have been more different. I try to imagine how you meet in heaven and … it's sort of the only thing that makes me smile right now. Because I just can't imagine it! It would be the most awkward meeting in the history of heaven, maybe. Okay, maybe I exaggerate but … I don't know. Is it weird that I would have liked you two to meet? Probably.

She was never jealous of you. That was one thing I really loved ~~her~~ about her. Because, to be perfectly honest, there were enough reasons for her to be jealous. Like the tattoo. But she always accepted and respected my love for you (and never demanded that I get a tattoo of her name or something). Did I tell you that on our fifth date, I think it was, that I actually broke down crying? And she comforted me. It's weird because if you hadn't died, Meghan and I would never have been together. At least I like to think that if it had been possible, we would have stayed together until we were both grumpy ancient cripples, still very much in love with each other.

I don't know. I think she sensed that you were my “one true love” or something but she didn't judge me for it. Because she knew that I did love her. Very much! (I really, really hope she did!) Sometimes, she teased me, like "how could I ever compete with the legendary Solid Snake" but it was only that, a tease. She knew things were different back then, that our life would never be remotely like yours and mine. We talked openly about all that.

She once said that she could see you in my eyes.

She was a wonderful woman, Dave, and I really, really hope you would have liked her.

 

 

* * *

 

February 25, 2037

 

Dear Dave,

 

it's different. It's weird how different it is, mourning you, mourning her … so many people knew her, the real Meghan, and they know me and care and … of course there were people who knew you too, and me, like Raiden and Rose and Meryl and … but it still feels different. I think this is the first time I truly realized that I'm surrounded by friends now! There are my colleagues from the department, there's Meghan's family, who keep in touch even if they're all in California, there's neighbours … it's so strange!! But I think it makes it easier, because I know Meghan was beloved by them all. Not to the same degree of course but … they remember her, they knew her, and I don't have to carry that burden all alone … I don't have to remember her alone!

I never knew that part of what made losing you so difficult was that there was so much about you that only I knew, that only the two of us shared and that, if I forgot, it'd be gone forever, just like you. Huh, I never knew … and here I thought I was smart …

My students are very patient with me. A lot of them keep in contact even after they leave MIT, did I tell you that? And I am so proud of all of them, going out there and changing the world! I actually do a lot of consulting and I'm really happy with that, Dave. It seems strange. If you had told me that I would one day be a mentor to young scientists … but it's great! I'm pretty much what I wish I had, someone to trust, someone who understands and looks out for you.

I used to want to just disappear – like the snake on the postcard. Being invisible. I guess my obsession with stealth camouflage sprung from that. Blending in and not being noticed were my special skills that kept me alive. I never really wanted to be seen until you came along. And the amazing thing was: you did see me! Well, okay, first you just saw the nerd and then an asset but eventually you saw me! And stranger still, you liked what you saw! That’s when I started to think that maybe there was a place for me after all. That I could do something and be someone. ~~and~~

The point is, I would never have been able to get to where I am today without you. And without Sunny. And without Meghan. You all taught me so much! Sunny still does. I think she is proud of her Dad.

You know, she is proud of both of us! And I think, with that, the curse must be broken, don't you? The sins of the fathers and all that…

I'm finally where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do, I think. I just wish I wasn't here alone. But I promised you and I promised Meghan and I promised Sunny that I will do my best and keep on living. So that's what I’ll do.

I don’t want to disappear anymore!

 

 

* * *

 

July 26, 2040

 

Dear Dave,

 

our little girl's married! She married the most wonderful, respectful, kind and intelligent man we could ever have dreamed up for her! I am so happy!

Please watch over them!


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Dave,

 

please look after Hal, will you? Knowing that he is with you again is the only good thing right now.

I miss him.

I miss you both.

So much!

 

Love, Sunny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading (and hopefully surviving). In case you're wondering, quite some time passed between this and the last chapter!!
> 
> I must also thank JoanneDelany since our RPG is the basis of and inspiration for many of my headcanons that I used in this story. Plus, she dragged me into this hell that is MGS and Otasune ;P

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Dear Dave (Remixchange)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11303292) by [feusgan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/feusgan/pseuds/feusgan)




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